need2 talk

hello
it's been a minute
anyway, title

up until this point i have survived suicidal thoughts that ramped up into ideation many times to varying degrees of intensity
it's fucking weird, anomalous, that i'm still alive
when someone you knew--maybe someone you were close to--ended their life, you may have thought "damn i wish i did something"
maybe i am someone who would be dead if not for the threads that i hang by
i am someone who would be dead

i'm in my early 20s now but i don't think my mind has really changed all that much from years ago
feels like i'm the same person, more so than other people, and maybe my psychology is frozen at 16 idk

i feel like i haven't loved people adequately, haven't expressed my feelings that i've had for years and years which never have gone away without having even interacted with them in so long
maybe it's supposed to be that way because i have a fucked up borderline personality disorder brain and i experience love in a way that others don't and maybe couldn't even relate to
maybe some normal person would call my experience and how i can never get over exes or anything of that nature "attachment issues" but i'd phrase it as unending love and unending pain which is sustained by memories burnt into my skull

if i ever loved you, i still love you

i may be asleep or busy with work by the time you see this but if you still need to talk, i'm here for you.
clicky#0666

9 days later

I've been sick for the better part of a week, and I'm still recovering now. However, I want you to know that you aren't alone, and that I'll be here for you as best as I can.

Please message me at iwa#5591.

dont worry guy you are not alone and there are support groups out there. mabye going to therapy might help you.

7 months later
8 months later

"if i ever loved you, i still love you"

I relate to this a lot. I'm sorry I haven't been around for so long. I still care for you greatly my old friend and hope you're doing better since you posted this.