Share some advice for those with social anxiety?

I know in any given place like this, there's at least a dozen people who struggle with social anxiety, disinclination or impairment. I do myself, and to a degree that I'm not really functional, so I'm curious to hear what methods and exercises have helped you or someone you know improve.

One thing I can share for those of you with problems speaking around strangers is Skype calls with online friends. A while ago I started practicing with someone I'm more or less comfortable around but have never met in-person, and it's helped a lot so far. Within about 4 or 5 sessions, I went from being unable to utter a single word to being able to talk almost completely freely. I still can't talk to strangers or even my boyfriend but I can safely say it's a step in the right direction.

I do not suffer from social anxiety anymore, but I used to. For as long as I can remember, I was always paranoid when I saw people talking at far distances because I had always assumed that they were talking about me in a negative manner. This was not so bad in smaller crowds, but when I was around large crowds, it was extremely dreadful. When I was 16, I finally got tired of it. I slowly but surely moved out of my comfort zone. I made friends and went out more. Eventually, it all got better.

tl;dr force yourself to be social, and the anxiety will disappear over time. Do what makes you uncomfortable at a safe yet efficient pace.

I have always struggled with this since I was 14 years old. I have been pretty shitty at dealing and coping with it. I eventually lost some of it once I started making more friends on Steam games and WoW. In real social situations it started to get better when I got envolved with the druggies at my school but that only helped in the short term. 18-21 were the worst years of social anxiety and depression after my girlfriend broke up with me. At somepoint enough was enough and I started reading self help books and books on the topic of anxiety. What helps me is just staying hydrated sitting and standing with good posture smiling and breathing deep and slow when I start to get anxious. For me it just comes down to reminding myself that I like myself and that's all that matters and interacting with everyone even if it feels awkward. I still have a long way to go but I am way better than I used to be.

Derfy wrote

I have always struggled with this since I was 14 years old. I have been pretty shitty at dealing and coping with it.  I eventually lost some of it once I started making more friends on Steam games and WoW.  In real social situations it started to get better when I got envolved with the druggies at my school but that only helped in the short term. 18-21 were the worst years of social anxiety and depression after my girlfriend broke up with me. At somepoint enough was enough and I started reading self help books and books on the topic of anxiety. What helps me is just staying hydrated sitting and standing with good posture smiling and breathing deep and slow when I start to get anxious. For me it just comes down to reminding myself that I like myself and that's all that matters and interacting with everyone even if it feels awkward. I still have a long way to go but I am way better than I used to be.

Do you remember what book in particular was most helpful? I'm open to reading something as long as it's not bogus Oprah magazine advice.

I'm probably guilty. Not sure about anxiety but impairment/disinclination probably. Except with family.

I can talk to people fine if needed but in social situations I'm more of a listener than a talker, since I don't make small talk. I tend to type far more words online than speak to other people. And I don't have many close friends IRL.

I don't really worry about how strangers or other people think of me since I try to be civil so there's that. If you can't be sociable, be civil.

shoecotton wrote

I'm probably guilty. Not sure about anxiety but impairment/disinclination probably. Except with family.

I can talk to people fine if needed but in social situations I'm more of a listener than a talker, since I don't make small talk. I tend to type far more words online than speak to other people. And I don't have many close friends IRL.

I don't really worry about how strangers or other people think of me since I try to be civil so there's that. If you can't be sociable, be civil.

Sounds exactly like me tbh I'm a diplomat of sorts.

Perhaps attempt to form a social group of like-minded people, but try to evade those with similar problems if you can, otherwise you'll just add to each others'. This will most certainly make talking to other people more tolerable, especially in the social group's presence. It's certainly fine to befriend others with social difficulties, but you won't be helping yourself if you make them your primary sources of interaction, I know this from experience.

I recently went on a night out drinking and was able to tolerate environments I would have otherwise found unbearable, for this very reason. In fact, I found myself enjoying a loud and crowded bar, despite finding myself nauseated by a busy market/festival the prior year. That said, a far louder club had me wanting to escape.

If you really aren't in a position to have a social group, perhaps attempt boosting your social skills through interactions with family members you're comfortable with. Their presence ought to have a similar, but lesser, effect to the presence of a social group, and should allow you to acclimatize sufficiently to social contexts to allow you to find friends outside of your family.

My advice is purely from my own experience though, so it may not apply to you.

a month later

Realize that people aren't judging you and that you literally aren't even registered in their mind since you're part of the background to them.
It doesn't fix social anxiety, but it's the best method to cope that I've found so far. It works well if you don't mind being a loner.

For those of you who struggle with social anxiety or anxiety in general, I suggest you read this:

It's got some good insight about how to deal with it.

honestly, I just talk to people online all the time and it's helped me a bit. Socializing on the internet isn't the same at all, but it is socializing, and has, at least in my case, helped a little. I used to be unable to say hello to anybody, I think that it's because of my non irl friends forcing me out of my shell the tiniest bit that I can now make small talk awkwardly with strangers.

Miles wrote

Realize that people aren't judging you and that you literally aren't even registered in their mind since you're part of the background to them.
It doesn't fix social anxiety, but it's the best method to cope that I've found so far. It works well if you don't mind being a loner.

Ya that's what happened to me i just started ignoring and doing my own thing and distancing myself form others. After a bit I no longer felt lonely being a loner for a time.

GloryBear wrote

honestly, I just talk to people online all the time and it's helped me a bit. Socializing on the internet isn't the same at all, but it is socializing, and has, at least in my case, helped a little. I used to be unable to say hello to anybody, I think that it's because of my non irl friends forcing me out of my shell the tiniest bit that I can now make small talk awkwardly with strangers.

This is honestly one of the reasons I hang around Lewd. I'm sick pretty often, it doesn't help that most of my friends can barely even hold a conversation. If I wasn't so practiced at opening people up, they'd spend every dinner and get-together completely silent. Believe me, I've been there. It ain't fun. -.-;

7 days later

I used to struggle with social anxiety quite a lot, chiefly when having to interact with strangers.  Over time, I've gotten to where I can speak freely and confidently with groups of maybe up to six to ten loose acquaintances at a time?  Were they all people I knew well, I could theoretically address even more.

All bets are off, though, for very large crowds; I had to give a speech in front of my whole school once, and while I apparently did a good job with it, I was so thoroughly depersonalized that I barely remember it at all.  Cold-calling strangers on the phone is still rather difficult for me to do as well, no matter how many times I assure myself that the conversation will be professionally civil at worst.

As for advice, perhaps it'd help to think of socializing as just a bunch of rules that you have to memorize and then follow when they become relevant to the situation at hand.  It's less complicated than it seems; for an analogy, think of a social interaction as writing a letter.  You usually start and end it with certain phrases that are implicitly understood as being the "appropriate" things to say ("Dear Such-and-such" --> "Yours Truly, So-and-so" vs "Hello, how are you?" --> "See you later!").  In between those two, you can say more or less whatever you want/need to say.

If the interaction calls for being polite, then make sure to sprinkle some "please"s and "thank you"s into the mix.  Additionally, you could couch whatever it is that you want as being more of a question or hypothetical than a command (e.g. "Would I be able to take off this Friday?" instead of "I want to have a day off this Friday."), since that demonstrates thoughtfulness and consideration rather than selfishness.  Also, if you're unwilling to do something that someone else wants, rather than outright telling them no, it's better social form to give an excuse cushioned by an apology (e.g. "Ah, sorry, I've already got plans that weekend." instead of "No, I don't want to spend my weekend with you.").  Perhaps you already knew all of that, though.

One way or another, learning how to socialize "normally" is simply a matter of figuring out all of those implicit understandings I mentioned about how interactions are typically expected to progress.  The best way to do that is to socialize with others more often, as others in the thread have suggested.

TL;DR - Find someplace you like that's frequented by lots of people, and learn to by comfortable around them by gradually interacting within that environment!

I work at a cafe, and I recall one time in particular when a frequent customer personally (and quite suddenly) thanked us for helping them overcome their severe social anxiety over the course of a year or two. Essentially, what happened was they mustered up the courage to come in and order a drink, and simply pass the time being surrounded by other people - as we never pressure anyone to leave the store, regardless of how long they've been there. They eventually moved up to making small talk while waiting for their drink, and the occasional passing comment to other customers. We never thought they were creepy or out of place, something I'm almost certain they fretted over themselves. In the end, they found comfort and acceptance as a regular customer, someone who was known by name and accepted by both staff and other customers, and told us that their people-skills improved significantly just from chatting and finding themselves in a comfortable environment.

To be honest, I think what helped was the fact that there were always different people nearly every time they visited - or more importantly, complete strangers. I'm always amazed by how much people I've never met before are willing to share with me over a fresly-made latte. I think if you put yourself in an enviroment that has people you're familiar with, that's just more pressure to not seem out of place because they'll associate you with that kind of behavior.

At least if you stumble while improving you social sea-legs in a crowded space, you can just as easily disappear back into the crowd without any consequences.

It probably seems like odd advice, but I do hope it helps some.

a month later

Mine's so bad i have issues talking on mmorpgs. And making friends on there. Working on that

Aezeles wrote

Mine's so bad i have issues talking on mmorpgs. And making friends on there. Working on that

That's about where I was when I started this thread, and I've already come so far just in the 2 months since then, so don't give up! The most important thing to remember is to keep steadily pushing the edges of your comfort zone. Don't let yourself stagnate or fall into complete avoidance of other people, or it will only get worse.

Something that helps keep you on track is working with a friend who's willing to give you a little push every now and then when you need it. My boyfriend used to call me on Skype unexpectedly and without warning to challenge me to say things, and while it was scary to have him push my limits like that, in retrospect it really helped. I went very quickly from not even picking up to being able to at least say hello.

If you have trouble making friends, you might start with having one of yours introduce you to a group of their online friends and have a group conversation on Skype. That way they aren't complete strangers and you at least know them indirectly. Challenge yourself to say at least one word at a time until you become comfortable enough to try more engaging conversation. If you can't bring yourself to speak, try text first. Most people I've met are surprisingly patient with shyness and anxiety, so don't be too quick to assume you're burdening them.

It's like anything else:

Practice.

Most people understand if you struggle with social situations, those who do not aren't even worth the time to feel bad about emberrassing yourself around.

Go and meet people, spark random conversations and you'll get better and better. Don't shy away from people because you're afraid that they won't like - they won't even have a chance to like you if you never interact with them.

Practice, trust me on this one!

I have no idea why, put I get panic talking in real life but I am known to social engineer people and companies etc in the later years and so on. So talking over the internet is normal for me or atleast in a more advanced level.

I can keep my cool and so on but in real life I get really like judgemental. I judge every action a person takes ( If a new person I meet) to wonder which action I am supposed to do towards them to make them neutral/friend-ish against me.
BUT DO NOT forget the " Keep the conversation going " type. Oh my god. That is my lowest. I can not keep a conversation going.

Then there is this awkward moment when they ask you " So what hobbies do you have and what do you like to do " smiling. Well, that is another problem.

Edit: Just remembered, if I have an option to avoid new people I will go to lengths that are too far. 

halp.
Internet ftw

I used to suffer from pretty strong social anxiety. Occasionally it flares up, but what worked for me was indulging in a bunch of hobbies.

I've been making music for many years, and I also enjoy the theatre community as well as all types of artful mediums (film, music, anime, visual novels, video games, and I'm finally starting to dabble in literature). As a result of spending a lot of time in each of these areas, I've become able to have a conversation with most people and find at least something that we can connect over. Most of the things I go out to are local gigs and university events, and there are surprisingly a lot of chill people. I usually have to get a little bit drunk at first (two beers is my go-to) to get over the initial snaggles of conversation, but once I've got a nice little buzz going I can talk to anyone for hours and it seems to go over well. Bars are fantastic for this, not only because the point of going to it is to drink, but you're expected to be socializing with people that you don't know. On days when I feel more anxious than usual, people usually end up coming up to me to talk to me, and on other days when I feel a bit more daring, I pick someone in the room that seems intimidating and say hello. Gigs are also fantastic for meeting people, because musicians are typically very friendly people, and on the plus side you get to hear some great tunes.

To sum it up, pick up some hobbies and find things that you're absolutely passionate about, and then go out and meet people with similar interests. It's a bit difficult at first, like fumbling through the dark, but over time as you develop into a more well-rounded person with more experience and knowledge about the world, it starts to get easier and easier. Eventually, you'll have no problem at all with socializing. Make sure that you continually challenge yourself, and when confronted with something where you get so anxious that you say "I can't do this", you should be actively thinking "okay, what are logical smaller steps that I can take to build myself up to the point of saying 'I can do this'?". As you do this, you will meet other people with similar interests and make friends and it will become easier to socialize because you'll be able to do it with a group of people that you feel comfortable around.